Mom: Don't sleep with anyone. Me: I know, I know. Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.

(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.