Mom: Where are you going?
Me: Uh, ya know. just gonna knock over a 7-11, go to a strip club, beat up some hookers.
Mom: Okay... If you get caught, you're staying the night in jail. it builds character.
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed?
Me: Yeah. Duh.
Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.)
Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried.
Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying.
Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long)
Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure.
Me: ... You want to be a prostitute?
Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!
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