(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long) Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!

(Talking about Jessica Simpson with my mom) Mom: She's lucky that she has big boobs, because she can't sing at all.

Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water? Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water. (I give him a look.) Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!

Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure. Me: ... You want to be a prostitute? Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!

Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...

(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.) Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay? Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that? Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines! Me: Dad was in the AirForce! Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?! Me: Thinning the herd.