Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long)
Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
See more funny childhood lols on Parenting FAILs!
See more fashion disasters at Poorly Dressed!
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.)
Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car?
Mama: Why do you need the lights?
Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
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