(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother) Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington. Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there. Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington... Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital. Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state. Mom: There's a difference?

My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.

Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.