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(While watching mom hang stockings)
Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings?
Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird.
Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine?
Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.)
Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car?
Mama: Why do you need the lights?
Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing)
Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen-
Me: Mum! What the futz?!
Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
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