(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.)
Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.*
My Dad: JESUS YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY PRICK!
Dad: BELLY I MEANT BELLY!
(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.)
Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different.
Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
Me: So Mom, whats your New Year's resoloution?
Mom: (looks up slowly) New year..... New sexuality (goes back to TV)
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
Aunt: I turn around and my sister has her hand down her shirt, my neice is holding a ghost and my husband is singing "Sixteen Candles" while jamming a Power Ranger into a chocolate cake. Where's my drink?
(Dad's in the bathroom)
Dad: Come in here and look what I did in the toilet!
Me: No, I think I'll pass.
Dad: Come on, if I just tell you you'll never believe me.
Dad: COME NOW OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!
(I go to bathroom.)
Dad: I shot a fly into the toilet with my pee stream.
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