Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
(Discussing Breaking Bad)
Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass.
Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(My nephew and father at dinner while coming home last night.)
Nephew: I don't like this drink
Dad: It's Orange Bang! I used to love that stuff as a kid.
Nephew: But I don't like it.
Dad: Look, it's a Mexican sweet drink, like Ray Mysterio!
(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.)
Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it.
(Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.)
Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!
Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire.
Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night!
Mom: Did you start it?
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.)
Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car?
Mama: Why do you need the lights?
Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.)
Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show?
Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff
The Most Clever Graduation Caps From the Class of 2015
The Weasley Twins Could Have Been the Heroes of the Harry ...
JK Rowling Supports Irish Gay Marriage, Slams Westboro Baptist ...
Arya's Game of Faces Fools One Probably Near-Sighted Fan
Ever Been so Oblivious You Didn't Realize You Were Being ...
Of Course Nine Cats Would Love All These Boxes
The Evolution of the Bikini
This Guy Didn't Get Final Jeopardy Right, but He's Won Our ...
Marvel's Superheroines Become Bond Girls In This Awesome ...
Quantum Cat Fluctuation
Pick Your Site Name
Tell us more about it