(While watching mom hang stockings)
Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings?
Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird.
Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine?
Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.
Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop.
Dad: I lost a bet.
(After fetching Gramma's mail):
Me: You got another funeral home ad.
Gramma: Again? I got 3 yesterday! Soon they'll be sending a loaded rifle and asking me to f***ing shoot myself!
(Hanging with the family while watching the movie "Quarantine" on Halloween.)
Mom: This movie is lame, if we had a real zombie apocalypse we'd just go to Walmart.
Mom: Yeah there aren't any windows. You'd just bar the doors. And you have everything there!
Me: Would you take the whole family?
Mom: Nah, you kids would just slow me down.
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.)
Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.)
Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves*
Me: What just happened?
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost.
Me: Why would we put you in the compost?
Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me!
Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway.
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