(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter) Me: Jeez lady put some pants on. Grandpa: Why? I like it. Me: Grandpa! Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.) Mom: You still have to fill my holes. Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically* Brother: That sounded wrong. Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard. Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!

(I read my mother a messed up text where a kid's phone said that they 'blew' their teacher instead of 'drew' him.) Me: I'm positive that there were kids I went to high school that were doing something other than homework to get better grades. Mom: I never did that. For one, I refuse to compromise my morals and for another, I don't like that. (Long pause) Mom: You probably didn't want to hear that, did you? Me: No, not really.

Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU. Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing. Me: Creeeepy.

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...

(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.) Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.