(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone)
Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it!
Dad: Just open it and see.
(I proceed to ope iPhone box)
Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone...
Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams?
Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment
(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter)
Me: Jeez lady put some pants on.
Grandpa: Why? I like it.
Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.)
Mom: You still have to fill my holes.
Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically*
Brother: That sounded wrong.
Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard.
Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
(I read my mother a messed up text where a kid's phone said that they 'blew' their teacher instead of 'drew' him.)
Me: I'm positive that there were kids I went to high school that were doing something other than homework to get better grades.
Mom: I never did that. For one, I refuse to compromise my morals and for another, I don't like that.
Mom: You probably didn't want to hear that, did you?
Me: No, not really.
Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU.
Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing.
Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas.
Me(being silly): Your Mother!
Mom: He doesn't want THAT.
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.)
Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
Me: I didn't need to know that.
Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
15 Horribly Spaced Words
Presidential Candidate Bobby Jindal’s #AskBobby Hashtag Was ...
Things That Prove Adults Don't Make Good Decisions
Daughter Destroys Father in Beatbox Battle
This Kid Dancing to Cuban Pete Is the Epitome of Swagger
We're All Equals Around Here
Your Status Was Inspiring, But These Comments Make Much More ...
If You Slowly Replace Every Member of the Band With a Big ...
Listen to This Guided Meditation and Feel the Stress of Everyday ...
Motorcycle Rider on His Way to Steal Your Girl
Pick Your Site Name
Tell us more about it