(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.)
Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show?
Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.)
Mom: You know the difference between you and me?
Mom: My daddy loved me.
Mom: *laughing hysterically*
(Discussing Breaking Bad)
Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass.
Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(My dad and I were having a post-Thanksgiving dinner farting contest. It was getting progressively worse and worse and thus funnier and funnier until he pauses and makes a weird face.)
Me: What's wrong, Dad?
Dad: ... I don't trust this one.
Me: ... Trust what, the fart?
Dad: Aye. I think it might be a shart in disguise.
(Watching show about El Chupacabra with my uncle.)
Narrator: Last sightings were seen in Texas...
Me: Texas, its always texas.
Me: Nasty creatures sucking the blood of farm animals.
Uncle: Probably their governor.
Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help.
Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
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