Mom: Don't sleep with anyone. Me: I know, I know. Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.

(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.

Dad: I s**t ice cream. That's how perfect I am.

Me: Mom, can I have a curfew? Mom: You already have one. Me: So, when is it? Mom: I won't tell you. Me: Then what's the point of a curfew? Mom: So we can punish you when you break it.

(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.

Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want