(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.)
Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
Me: I didn't need to know that.
Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.)
Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
(My mom was talking to her self at the store)
Me: Mom who are you talking too?
Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother)
Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night?
Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
Dad: I s**t ice cream. That's how perfect I am.
Me: Mom, can I have a curfew?
Mom: You already have one.
Me: So, when is it?
Mom: I won't tell you.
Me: Then what's the point of a curfew?
Mom: So we can punish you when you break it.
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