Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes.
Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass.
(A little while later,)
When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
Dad: On the whole, all protests are bad.
Me: You can't just generalize like that.
Dad: I'm not generalizing. I'm just saying that on the whole they're all bad.
Me: And that's a generalization.
Dad: No it's not.
Me: How so?
Dad: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.)
Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle.
Me: You should try women.
Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts.
Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses....
Sister: Yeah, probably.
Me: Dad, I can't remember what RNA is!
Dad: Remember, RNA is sort of like an aggressive date.
Me: ... Huh?
Dad: It helps unzip your genes! Ha!
(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.)
Family friend: I heard you buried your father.
Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing)
Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen-
Me: Mum! What the futz?!
Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
Don't Lie Now!
Neville Longbottom Scandalizes J.K. Rowling With His Huge ...
These are Disney's 5 Most Horrific Deaths
Mad Max's Flamethrower Guitarist Reveals the Doof Warrior's ...
Wanna Make Your Anime Creepy? Just Add Avocados.
Introducing Specialman, With the Power of Abilities!
Have You Ever Seen Your Death in Physical Form?
Someone Figured Out How Far Frodo and Sam Walked
Time to Give Up on Humanity
Cone Of Shame? You Mean My Perfect Water Feeder!
Pick Your Site Name
Tell me more