Mom: I love the internet language.
Boyfriend: You mean like viruses and trojans?
Mom: Yeah, those. *snickering* You know if you use a Trojan, you won't get a virus!
(My mom's sex talk with my youngest brother): Listen here Peter Rabbit, you stay out of Mrs. McGreggor's garden!
(Dad's in the bathroom)
Dad: Come in here and look what I did in the toilet!
Me: No, I think I'll pass.
Dad: Come on, if I just tell you you'll never believe me.
Dad: COME NOW OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!
(I go to bathroom.)
Dad: I shot a fly into the toilet with my pee stream.
(Looking outside at lotus-type tree.)
Me: Hey mom, what's the name of that tree in our front yard?
Mom: I dunno, George?
Me: No, no, I mean the name of the type of tree.
Mom: You can name it whatever you want honey.
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.)
Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries?
Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator!
Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size.
Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience?
Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.)
4yr old: Am I on the naughty list?
Father: With the way you've been acting, you probably are.
4yr old: *Thinks for a moment* Not if I kill Santa.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.)
Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle.
Me: You should try women.
Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts.
Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses....
Sister: Yeah, probably.
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