Me (talking to grandma): I cuss around women because I treat them as my equals, grandma.
Grandma: I don't think men and women are equals, God made men better than women.
Me: Oh, well... Go make me a sandwich.
Grandma: Okay dear.
(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.)
Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet?
Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active.
Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...
(I read my mother a messed up text where a kid's phone said that they 'blew' their teacher instead of 'drew' him.)
Me: I'm positive that there were kids I went to high school that were doing something other than homework to get better grades.
Mom: I never did that. For one, I refuse to compromise my morals and for another, I don't like that.
Mom: You probably didn't want to hear that, did you?
Me: No, not really.
My Mum (after being told that her new Noah's ark ring was religious): When you think of Noah's ark, do you think of animals? Or do you think of Moses... Or whoever it was that built it?
Mom: Hey, aren't you going to play "Leon"?
Me: you mean "Resident Evil 4"?
Mom: Sure, yeah
Me: Mom, I have homework.
Mom: That's too bad! Here! (Hands me controller) I wanna see what happens
Me: But mom I -
(talking to my mom about a project for school.)
Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use?
Me: But that's my brother's name.
Mom: Like I said...
Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom.
Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex.
Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex.
Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!
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