Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
(Discussing Breaking Bad)
Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass.
Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(My nephew and father at dinner while coming home last night.)
Nephew: I don't like this drink
Dad: It's Orange Bang! I used to love that stuff as a kid.
Nephew: But I don't like it.
Dad: Look, it's a Mexican sweet drink, like Ray Mysterio!
(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.)
Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it.
(Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.)
Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!
Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire.
Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night!
Mom: Did you start it?
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.)
Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car?
Mama: Why do you need the lights?
Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.)
Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show?
Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff
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