(When talking to my mom about my absent father.) Mom: You know the difference between you and me? Me: What Mom: My daddy loved me. Me: T-T Mom: *laughing hysterically*
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance) Dad: You ever smoke pot? Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body. Dad: Drink alcohol? Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink. Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Date: 42. Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...? Date: Donkey Kong. Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone? Date: I cried like a bitch.
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys. Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.
(Mum looks despairingly around our messy kitchen.) Mum: I think no matter how poor we are, we should pay someone to come in and set fire to the kitchen.
(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet): Mom: Put him in the oven, will you... Me: OVEN? Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...
(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.) Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?
