Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance) Dad: You ever smoke pot? Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body. Dad: Drink alcohol? Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink. Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Date: 42. Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...? Date: Donkey Kong. Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone? Date: I cried like a bitch.
(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.) Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay? Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that? Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines! Me: Dad was in the AirForce! Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?! Me: Thinning the herd.
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?
(While I'm getting ready for work.) Dad: Hey, did you get some coffee? I don't want your white collar ass passing out at your desk. Me: Yeah, I tried it this morning and it was weak sauce. Dad: Weak!? I'm insulted! Just a sec. (comes back with a tumbler of coffee.) No cream this time. That stuff's for wimps. Me:(takes a sip of perfect brew) Wow! It's like a punch in the face! What did you do to it? Dad: F**king Alchemy and Black Magic, Bitch!
Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
Mom: What's that lump on your neck son? (after noticing a weird lump on my brother's neck) Dad: Isn't that his head?
