(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
(Talking to my ten-year-old cousin about Pokemon while celebrating my uncle returning from Iraq.) Me: Bulbasaur was my favorite starter. Cousin: What's a bulbasaur? Uncle: Good work son, the only proper starter is a Charmander. Cousin: What's a charmander? Uncle: (Turns to my aunt) What in God's name have you done to my child?!
(Dad got a deer this season and is processing it himself). Me: Ugh... There's body parts all inside the freezer. Mom: People are going to think we're John Wayne Gacy. Me: Didn't he have sex with the bodies first? Mom: You weren't there.
(Discussing Breaking Bad) Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass. Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.) Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.
(We were listening to the radio on the way to school, and a report came on saying how some old people ate brownies with pot.) Me (referring to that 70's show): Haha magic brownies... Mom: We could use those to send grandma to the other side...
