(Watching show about El Chupacabra with my uncle.) Narrator: Last sightings were seen in Texas... Me: Texas, its always texas. Uncle: What? Me: Nasty creatures sucking the blood of farm animals. Uncle: Probably their governor.

Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.

Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.

(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.

Cousin: *pointing to large five foot tall package by the Christmas tree* Dad is gonna love what I got him, he's been needing it for a while. His older brother: You need to poke holes in the box so the stripper can breath.

(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone) Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it! Dad: Just open it and see. (I proceed to ope iPhone box) Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone... Dad: Exactly! Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams? Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment