Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water?
Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water.
(I give him a look.)
Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
Me: So Mom, whats your New Year's resoloution?
Mom: (looks up slowly) New year..... New sexuality (goes back to TV)
Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure.
Me: ... You want to be a prostitute?
Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!
Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.)
Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay?
Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that?
Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines!
Me: Dad was in the AirForce!
Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?!
Me: Thinning the herd.
(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother)
Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington.
Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there.
Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington...
Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital.
Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state.
Mom: There's a difference?
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
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