(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother)
Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night?
Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.)
Mom: What were you doing.
Me: Uh... Nothing
Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.
(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
(My grandma and I walking past a group of guys playing tennis with their shirts off.)
Me: Oh I love tennis! I wish I could play with them.
Grandma: I want to play with them too, but I want to play a different game.
(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.)
Mom: You still have to fill my holes.
Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically*
Brother: That sounded wrong.
Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard.
Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance)
Dad: You ever smoke pot?
Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body.
Dad: Drink alcohol?
Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink.
Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...?
Date: Donkey Kong.
Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone?
Date: I cried like a bitch.
An Affordable Health Care Meme Sparks Online Feud That Will ...
The 90 Percent Law
Best Marketing or Worst Reviews?
A Pizza Only A Mother Would Love
That's One Way To Pass Chemistry
I Can Smell Love In The Air
Dad's 2 Cents on 99 Cents
Some Light Reading During Pregnancy
Pick Your Site Name
Tell us more about it