My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
(My dad, the night before I'm set to leave for a week-long field trip with my school):
When you're gone, I'm going to dance with the cat. And we're going to dance to Lady Gaga, because I was born this way.
(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay.
Me: Really? So you want to marry boys?
Son: No, I like girls.
Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual.
Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl!
Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...
(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.)
Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.
(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.)
Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it!
Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go?
Me: Mum, that's just creepy.
Mum: Spider Porn!
(Watching show about El Chupacabra with my uncle.)
Narrator: Last sightings were seen in Texas...
Me: Texas, its always texas.
Me: Nasty creatures sucking the blood of farm animals.
Uncle: Probably their governor.
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.)
Dad: Okay, we're leaving now.
Me: Alright, see you in a bit.
Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other.
Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
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