(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
Me: Dude, you really need to call the landlady in the morning.
Mom: I am not a dude, I have lady lumps.
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
(My dad's home is kinda little so him and my brother sleep in the same bed, one morning he told me this):
Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother about masturbation?
Me (laughing): No! Why?
Dad: 'Cause last night he was fapping right next to me.
(Hanging with the family while watching the movie "Quarantine" on Halloween.)
Mom: This movie is lame, if we had a real zombie apocalypse we'd just go to Walmart.
Mom: Yeah there aren't any windows. You'd just bar the doors. And you have everything there!
Me: Would you take the whole family?
Mom: Nah, you kids would just slow me down.
(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.)
Mom: You still have to fill my holes.
Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically*
Brother: That sounded wrong.
Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard.
Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
(Wondering why my sisters and my birthdays are all in January and February, expecting an aniversary or birthday.)
Me: What's nine months before January?
Mom: Baseball season
Mom: It's the only time I drink beer
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