*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop. Me: Why? Dad: I lost a bet.

(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)

*At a gas station on a snowy pass* Dad: Hey look, traffic! Go play in it! Me: I don't feel like being killed. Dad: Don't worry, they'll steer off the road and kill themselves first!

(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. Nurse: OK, is she having contractions? Me: Yes! Nurse: How bad are they? Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!! Me: That bad.

(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.) Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different. Everybody: GRANDDAD! Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!

12-Year-Old Brother: (Playing Mario Kart Wii with me) Come in behind me and I'll shoot you a mushshroom. Dad: Anal prostitution for drugs is not allowed in this household!