(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.)
Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?
Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking!
Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up*
Mom: Why'd you do that!?
Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.
Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop.
Dad: I lost a bet.
(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's)
Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids?
Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex.
Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)
*At a gas station on a snowy pass*
Dad: Hey look, traffic! Go play in it!
Me: I don't feel like being killed.
Dad: Don't worry, they'll steer off the road and kill themselves first!
(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.)
Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor.
Nurse: OK, is she having contractions?
Nurse: How bad are they?
Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!!
Me: That bad.
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