(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.)
Gram: I think somebody farted.
Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it.
Gram: (laughs) That's true.
Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.)
Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet.
Me: And hail after that?
Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.)
Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
Dad: What have I always said about smoking?
Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it?
Dad: No, it keeps you thin.
Dad: I s**t ice cream. That's how perfect I am.
Mom: Hey, aren't you going to play "Leon"?
Me: you mean "Resident Evil 4"?
Mom: Sure, yeah
Me: Mom, I have homework.
Mom: That's too bad! Here! (Hands me controller) I wanna see what happens
Me: But mom I -
(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.)
Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried.
Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying.
Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.
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