(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me)
Dad: I hope you die in pain.
Mom: Do you think your father would take you to the chiropractor three days a week?
Me: Do you want dad to take me?
Mom: No, I just want to know if you think he would.
Me: No, probably not.
Mom: YES! I'm the better parent.
Me: Are you really still competing for best parent? All of your kids are adults, and you've been divorced for years.
Mom: The competition never ends. Now, tell me what he did for your brother's birthday.
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.)
Dad: Okay, we're leaving now.
Me: Alright, see you in a bit.
Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other.
Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes.
Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass.
(A little while later,)
When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.)
Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.*
My Dad: JESUS YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY PRICK!
Dad: BELLY I MEANT BELLY!
Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down!
Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics?
Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.)
Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle.
Me: You should try women.
Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts.
Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses....
Sister: Yeah, probably.
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