(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.)
Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it!
Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go?
Me: Mum, that's just creepy.
Mum: Spider Porn!
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.)
Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show?
Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff
(Looking outside at lotus-type tree.)
Me: Hey mom, what's the name of that tree in our front yard?
Mom: I dunno, George?
Me: No, no, I mean the name of the type of tree.
Mom: You can name it whatever you want honey.
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.)
Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries?
Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator!
Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size.
Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience?
Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(My mom's sex talk with my youngest brother): Listen here Peter Rabbit, you stay out of Mrs. McGreggor's garden!
Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water?
Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water.
(I give him a look.)
Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
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