(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.)
Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different.
Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
12-Year-Old Brother: (Playing Mario Kart Wii with me) Come in behind me and I'll shoot you a mushshroom.
Dad: Anal prostitution for drugs is not allowed in this household!
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing)
Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen-
Me: Mum! What the futz?!
Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present)
Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad!
Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed!
Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms...
Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.)
Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe-
Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long)
Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
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