If you're not a fan of metal, then test your mettle with wood!

Why don't I just impale myself with a two-by-four and make it easy for you?

Abort mission, abort mission!

"Bought hanging pepper bag, but I didn't have a place to hang it on my balcony, so I lashed a shepherd's crook to my old satellite dish stand with 2 dozen zip strips. It still wasn't sturdy enough, so I jammed a piece of wood in the pipe to lengthen it."

I believe it was the philosopher Young Jeezy who once told us all to stay strapped. Glad to see you're taking his advice!

If he doesn't die, I will... from disbelief.

And apparently it petrifies that wood too.