If he doesn't die, I will... from disbelief.
"Long, long ago, this table was a majestic specimen, useful, and new. However, years of use have rendered it shabby and useless. It was destined to become firewood, but then someone with a large heart (and appreciation for picnic tables) took pity on it. It now serves as a conversation piece."
Was I the only one who read that user's description in David Attenborough's voice?