Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down! Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics? Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.

(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...

Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.