Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down!
Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics?
Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.)
Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom?
Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her.
Me: Yeah? And where was it?
Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes.
Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school.
Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.
Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay.
Me: Really? So you want to marry boys?
Son: No, I like girls.
Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual.
Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl!
Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...
(My date and I about to leave.)
Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass!
Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.
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