*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me? Me(a little worried): What? Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.

Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.