(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.)
Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom?
Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her.
Me: Yeah? And where was it?
Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes.
Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school.
Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.
...but his parents have just been letting him watch too many terrible sitcoms.
Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down!
Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics?
Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
(My date and I about to leave.)
Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass!
Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.
Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking!
Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up*
Mom: Why'd you do that!?
Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.
(My Mom was watching the TV when I joined her. She had no idea I was gay.)
Mom: Any nice boys in your class?
Mom: Any nice boys in another class?
Mom: Do you even look at the boys?
Me: ... No, not really.
Mom: You prefer girls?
Me: ... Yes.
Mom: Any nice girls in your class?
Fifty Shades of Grey Gets the Honest Trailer It So Desperately ...
7 Things We Don't Want from a New Indiana Jones Movie
What If All Disney Movies Took Place Under the Sea?
The Perfect Bed For Your Player 2 Pets
People Who Go to Burning Man Are Such Easy Targets for Trolling
Check Out This Incredible Map of Westeros, Then Buy It
Margot Robbie's Harley Quinn Spotted on The Set of Suicide ...
Try Not to Wince When This Price is Right Contestant Wins ...
Dorkly Tackles Disney Sex Scenes in a Way You'll Wish You'd ...
Pick Your Site Name
Tell me more