(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.)
Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle.
Me: You should try women.
Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts.
Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses....
Sister: Yeah, probably.
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...but his parents have just been letting him watch too many terrible sitcoms.
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking!
Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up*
Mom: Why'd you do that!?
Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.
Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down!
Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics?
Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
(My Mom was watching the TV when I joined her. She had no idea I was gay.)
Mom: Any nice boys in your class?
Mom: Any nice boys in another class?
Mom: Do you even look at the boys?
Me: ... No, not really.
Mom: You prefer girls?
Me: ... Yes.
Mom: Any nice girls in your class?
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