Always Assume That Strangers Are Child Molesters

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Always Assume That Strangers Are Child Molesters
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Whenever anyone says "it's me" via text, you can safely assume that he or she is over the age of 50 and has been texting for fewer than one year.

Congratulations, and Who Are You Again?

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Congratulations, and Who Are You Again?
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Random person sent a happy birthday greeting to a wrong number, and received back a rather strange reply.

The Boundless Patience of Not-Drew

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The Boundless Patience of Not-Drew
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From the submitter:

Maybe I should have told them I was Optimus Prime....

You're One Asshole I Don't Trust

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You're One Asshole I Don't Trust
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The ass needs to be fresh before you can lick it.

Whatever It Takes

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Whatever It Takes
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It'll save him a rightfully earned lecture on how a grown man doesn't know how to boil corn.