I mean, you're good for another couple of years until girls start becoming interesting.

Loving of t-shirt all time, the excellent!

You know what else doesn't get you laid? Improper apostrophe use. For shame!

The perfect underwear for you and that special FAIL-y Someone in your life!

What's that? Left foot on red too? I couldn't possibly do that!

DATING - PERSONALS:

"Totally cute and awesome goth chick looking for elder-statesmen straight-shooter who is totally only into goth chicks for NSA fun-times. Must be partially bald and otherwise physically unfit. No scammers or frauds."

Printed in: "The Daily WILL NEVER EXIST," Vol. X Issue: IN YOUR DREAMS.

Ted is here to bring you the gift of "sitting on the couch," "complaining about the Cubs," and "asking for another beer." Truly he is a deity among men.