(My dad and I were having a post-Thanksgiving dinner farting contest. It was getting progressively worse and worse and thus funnier and funnier until he pauses and makes a weird face.) Me: What's wrong, Dad? Dad: ... I don't trust this one. Me: ... Trust what, the fart? Dad: Aye. I think it might be a shart in disguise.

(talking to my mom about a project for school.) Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use? Mom: Randall. Me: But that's my brother's name. Mom: Like I said...