(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.) 4yr old: Am I on the naughty list? Father: With the way you've been acting, you probably are. 4yr old: *Thinks for a moment* Not if I kill Santa.

(After a family party. Aunt and Uncle are getting ready to leave and are picking up left overs.) Uncle: Hey, Sher, we gonna take this fruit home? Gay uncle: Uh, I'm standing right here!

(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.

Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.