12-Year-Old Brother: (Playing Mario Kart Wii with me) Come in behind me and I'll shoot you a mushshroom.
Dad: Anal prostitution for drugs is not allowed in this household!
(Meow from outside door)
Mom: I hear a kitty!
Mom: Wait, where's the kitty? Was there ever a kitty? Am I on drugs?
Dad: I did alot of crazy things when I was a kid.
Me: Like what?
Dad: Well once I did a whole bunch of cocaine and threw a TV through a ten story window. Good thing you only do pot.
Me: I... I got nothin'...
(Mom had left for a business trip and it was just dad and I by ourselves)
Dad: So, you wanna get some hookers and blow?
Me: Seriously, Dad?
Dad: Fine... how about some pot? Do you know anyone? Or shrooms, 'cause that'll be cool too. Or both... at the same time!
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.)
Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
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