You're not going to be breaking any land speed records in those things, that's for sure.

These shoes get you in the ol' U.S.A. spirit? Perhaps you want to see how our athletes are doing at the Olympics over at ROFLympics!

Alternatively: "'Merica's back on a brand new MISSION."

These colors don't run. Except when I go on my morning jog, then they sorta saunter around.

Put a keg of beer between these two fine ladies and you might have yourself the most American picture to ever grace the internet.

Unfortunately, they were not made for flat feet. Sorry to all of our arch-less patriots out there!