(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...

Mom: Don't sleep with anyone. Me: I know, I know. Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.

Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want