Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom.
Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex.
Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex.
Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!
Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross.
Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months?
Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.
(My grandma thought it was totally appropriate to tell me about her first time with my now deceased grandpa.)
Grandma: I looked at that thing and I said "That'll NEVER fit!"
Me: *Awkward laugh* Oh hehe, that's pretty crazy!
Grandma: Say, why don't you ever bring your boyfriend over here to visit?
(maybe it's cause you tell gross sex stories.)
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.)
Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
Me: I didn't need to know that.
Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
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