Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom.
Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex.
Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex.
Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!
(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.)
Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese.
Me: I don't really like blue cheese.
Dad: No, no, just try it.
Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it.
Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.)
Dad: Okay, we're leaving now.
Me: Alright, see you in a bit.
Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other.
Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
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