(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!

(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.) Mom: What were you doing. Me: Uh... Nothing Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.

Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much. Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?

(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.) Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet? Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active. Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...