(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. Nurse: OK, is she having contractions? Me: Yes! Nurse: How bad are they? Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!! Me: That bad.

(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.