(My grandmother calls me from her room.) Grandmother: What are you doing? Me: Watching television in your room. Grandmother: You never walk into a lady's room because you might find her toys. Me: I hate you.

(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)

(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present) Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad! Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed! Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms... Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!

(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.) Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe- Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!

(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house) Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company? Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!

(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!

(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.