(Talking about my mum's partner.) Sister: But you do love each other, I know that. Mum: It's a fine line between love and hate and the cutlery drawer. Sister: You're never too old to- Mum: To stab someone? No.

Me: Hey Dad, why did you and mom have me so late in your marriage? Dad: Well, 18 years ago, your brother came out of the closet. And Mom was complaining that now she'll never have grandkids. Me: So I was born for the sole purpose of replacing my brother? Dad: Exactly.(He was dead serious)