(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter)
Me: Jeez lady put some pants on.
Grandpa: Why? I like it.
Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me)
Dad: I hope you die in pain.
Dad: What have I always said about smoking?
Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it?
Dad: No, it keeps you thin.
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