(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter) Me: Jeez lady put some pants on. Grandpa: Why? I like it. Me: Grandpa! Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.

Dad: What have I always said about smoking? Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it? Dad: No, it keeps you thin.