Periodically Embarrassing

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Periodically Embarrassing
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So period sex feels amazing because it's embarrassing? What about the embarrassment of talking about period sex with your mom? Would that feel amazing, too?

When My Parents Call

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When My Parents Call
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Judging by the picture, whenever his mom calls he's seized with panic and is shown desperately trying to remember whether he forgot her birthday (again).

When his dad calls, he puts on his Serious Man-Face and gets ready to field Serious Questions about his future and whether he's started saving up for a house yet.

Like a Foreign Language

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Like a Foreign Language
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Drunk texts are a little hard for some to decipher, so here's a handy guide to help you follow the conversation:

E u b inG gopod? (Are you being good?)

Il$m goods I'm a liL drinmkl (I have spent one million dollars on various goods, my current Halloween costume looks a little like a Drin-brand racing vehicle, mk. 1.)

1111 male a qisH (I am about to order a quiche stuffed with men.)

Im$ havi FUM (I have spent one million dollars for the privilege of eating chum, which is fum fum, as the hit children's animated television series Spongebob Squarepants has taught me.)

Ur hcing fum 222000 (Do you, too, want some chum? We can also involve ourselves in recreational drug use, a suggestion I am communicating by secret code:

222000 ---> [2 + 2] [2] [0 + 0 + 0] ---> [4] [2] [0] ---> 420 )

Always Assume That Strangers Are Child Molesters

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Always Assume That Strangers Are Child Molesters
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Whenever anyone says "it's me" via text, you can safely assume that he or she is over the age of 50 and has been texting for fewer than one year.

The Most Devious Mother in the Universe

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The Most Devious Mother in the Universe
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Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.