I don't think he understands how texting works... Or he's doing a really bad job at avoiding somebody.

Slapshots are the #2 cause of iPhone damage in Canada. The #1 cause is beavers.

3 is maple syrup spills.

A recent episode of Portlandia depicted the tender moments flashing before Carrie Brownstein's eyes as she drops her dearly beloved iPhone.

I'm so retro, my only monthly plan is the price of stamps.

Oh, so you're a funny guy, huh? You're about as hilarious as the last guy.