Smartphones: they're great for calling people and checking Facebook, but mostly for mostly for acting like an aggressive douche canoe.

Either her mood turned on a dime, or she was too filled with rage to remember to update her mass texting list.

FINE I WILL

I'D RATHER SEE BACON WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ANYWAY

The perfect way to threaten anyone to whom arms, legs, full-sized swimming pools, chocolate-flavored syrup, tasteful fashion statements, loved ones, vegetarianism, and spoons are of the utmost importance.