(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.
Me: Talked to that guy. Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy? Me: Um, what? Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!
(This was a few years back while we were watching David Tennant on "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross") Dad: If he can speak English properly, why dosen't he always do it? Me: ... What? He is speaking proper English. Dad: No he's not, he's got an accent. You can't speak proper English with an accent.
Me: Dad, your car is falling apart, you should really look at getting it fixed. Dad: It's not falling apart, it has CHARACTER. (*Dad goes to open car door, it falls off*) Dad: (*Guilty look over shoulder*) Character?
(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter) Me: Jeez lady put some pants on. Grandpa: Why? I like it. Me: Grandpa! Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
Dad: After dinner mint? Me: That's a Halls cough drop... Dad: So? After dinner mint.
Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much. Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?
(My mom and I discussing school projects) Me: Essay projects are one of the few school projects that I don't mind doing, since they're not a right answer-wrong answer sort of thing. Mom: I actually like more solid foundations, like in math: 2 + 2 will always be 2... Wait a second...
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
(Wondering why my sisters and my birthdays are all in January and February, expecting an aniversary or birthday.) Me: What's nine months before January? Mom: Baseball season Me: What?!?! Mom: It's the only time I drink beer
Mom: .... OH MY GOD. Me: What? Mom: I DIDNT KNOW OWLS HAD WINGS. Me:.... W-what? Mom: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST CHUBBY LITTLE CREATURES.
Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help. Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!
(Me closing my laptop, teamspeak automatically logs out): Dad: Son, I'm using your PC for a sec. (Opens laptop, teamspeak automatically logs in.) Friend: Hey, hey, are you there? Say something! Dad: OHMYGOD your computer is talking to me!! Me: ... Dad: I'm the god of computers!
(There was a priest who visited my great-grandfather after my great-uncle died. He was looking at my great-grandfather's garden.) Priest: Are those pansies out there? Great-Grandfather: Can I tell you a secret? Priest: Sure, that's what I'm here for. Great-Grandfather: It's Hungarian marijuana.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
