crazy things parents say

Me: I gotta go, I'm late. Dad: Wait! Wait! Don't go yet! (holding a round plate with a sausage patty on top of a round waffle) MY BREAKFAST IS CONCENTRIC!

(My grandma thought it was totally appropriate to tell me about her first time with my now deceased grandpa.) Grandma: I looked at that thing and I said "That'll NEVER fit!" Me: *Awkward laugh* Oh hehe, that's pretty crazy! Grandma: Say, why don't you ever bring your boyfriend over here to visit? (maybe it's cause you tell gross sex stories.)

(When talking to my mom about my absent father.) Mom: You know the difference between you and me? Me: What Mom: My daddy loved me. Me: T-T Mom: *laughing hysterically*

(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.

(I read my mother a messed up text where a kid's phone said that they 'blew' their teacher instead of 'drew' him.) Me: I'm positive that there were kids I went to high school that were doing something other than homework to get better grades. Mom: I never did that. For one, I refuse to compromise my morals and for another, I don't like that. (Long pause) Mom: You probably didn't want to hear that, did you? Me: No, not really.

Aunt: I turn around and my sister has her hand down her shirt, my neice is holding a ghost and my husband is singing "Sixteen Candles" while jamming a Power Ranger into a chocolate cake. Where's my drink?

Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire. Mom: WHAT? Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night! Mom: Did you start it?

(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.) Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show? Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff Sister: Really? Dad: Yup

(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...

(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!

(My little cousin wanted a dog, but we bought him a gerbil.) Store Worker: which one do you like? Cousin: The brown one with the big ears Store Worker: *Hands it to him* Me: What are you gonna name him? Cousin: BONER!

(Playing Scattergories with my family. The letter is "C". One of the categories is car parts. My dad has been a mechanic for 40 years.) Me: I put catalytic converter. Dad: Uh, clock. It was either that or chair.

(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.) Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet? Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active. Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...

(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.) Dad: Okay, we're leaving now. Me: Alright, see you in a bit. Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other. Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!

(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.) Family friend: I heard you buried your father. Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?

(Asking mom what a Kegel ball was) Mom: Its something you put up your vagina to excersize the kegel muscles Me: MOM, GOD STOP! Bother: Oh, I could use one of those right now. Mom: Well you could put up your anus.