(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
(Discussing Breaking Bad) Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass. Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance) Dad: You ever smoke pot? Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body. Dad: Drink alcohol? Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink. Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Date: 42. Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...? Date: Donkey Kong. Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone? Date: I cried like a bitch.
Me (7 Year old): Mom, what if aliens landed in the back yard, ate all our food, and left? Dad: Sounds like our relatives. Mom: (Glares at dad)
(Me playing Plants vs. Zombies) Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like your grandfather. He likes fighting with my plants too. But at least he doesn't eat them. Well, not always.
(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure. Me: ... You want to be a prostitute? Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!
(Mum looks despairingly around our messy kitchen.) Mum: I think no matter how poor we are, we should pay someone to come in and set fire to the kitchen.
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
(Talking about Jessica Simpson with my mom) Mom: She's lucky that she has big boobs, because she can't sing at all.
Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.
Dad: Why does everything come back as f**king zombies? Me: Well what else would they come back as? Dad: ... Sperm?
(My nephew and father at dinner while coming home last night.) Nephew: I don't like this drink Dad: It's Orange Bang! I used to love that stuff as a kid. Nephew: But I don't like it. Dad: Look, it's a Mexican sweet drink, like Ray Mysterio!
Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes. Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass. (A little while later,) When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
