Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water? Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water. (I give him a look.) Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
My Mum (after being told that her new Noah's ark ring was religious): When you think of Noah's ark, do you think of animals? Or do you think of Moses... Or whoever it was that built it?
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long) Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet): Mom: Put him in the oven, will you... Me: OVEN? Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...
Cousin: *pointing to large five foot tall package by the Christmas tree* Dad is gonna love what I got him, he's been needing it for a while. His older brother: You need to poke holes in the box so the stripper can breath.
(My little cousin wanted a dog, but we bought him a gerbil.) Store Worker: which one do you like? Cousin: The brown one with the big ears Store Worker: *Hands it to him* Me: What are you gonna name him? Cousin: BONER!
(Driving by a local video store): Me: I find it ironic that the video store named "Family Video" is the only one left in town with a porn section. Mom: I know, and the selection sucks!
(After watching an ad against drunk driving) Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly! Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter. Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.
Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop. Me: Why? Dad: I lost a bet.
(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.
(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.
(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.) Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.* My Dad: JESUS YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY PRICK! Me: O.o Dad: BELLY I MEANT BELLY!
(Me: *Skyping cute boy*) Mom: *Barges into room* Who are you talking to? Me: Travis, mum. Mom: You better not be showing him your privates!
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed? Me: Yeah. Duh. Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine) Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack! Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!
