(Talking about my mum's partner.) Sister: But you do love each other, I know that. Mum: It's a fine line between love and hate and the cutlery drawer. Sister: You're never too old to- Mum: To stab someone? No.
Me (talking to grandma): I cuss around women because I treat them as my equals, grandma. Grandma: I don't think men and women are equals, God made men better than women. Me: Oh, well... Go make me a sandwich. Grandma: Okay dear.
Me: Dad, your car is falling apart, you should really look at getting it fixed. Dad: It's not falling apart, it has CHARACTER. (*Dad goes to open car door, it falls off*) Dad: (*Guilty look over shoulder*) Character?
(Me playing Plants vs. Zombies) Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like your grandfather. He likes fighting with my plants too. But at least he doesn't eat them. Well, not always.
(My grandma and I walking past a group of guys playing tennis with their shirts off.) Me: Oh I love tennis! I wish I could play with them. Grandma: I want to play with them too, but I want to play a different game. Me: O_o
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?
(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother) Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington. Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there. Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington... Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital. Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state. Mom: There's a difference?
Dad: Why does everything come back as f**king zombies? Me: Well what else would they come back as? Dad: ... Sperm?
Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure. Me: ... You want to be a prostitute? Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!
(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!
(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.
(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)
Me: So Mom, whats your New Year's resoloution? Mom: (looks up slowly) New year..... New sexuality (goes back to TV)
Little Sister: Dad, you're putting butter in a cup! Who does that?! Me: Cool people. And dad. Dad: Just when I thought you were smart, you had to say something like that to prove how unsmart you is! Me: I'm not the one who said "unsmart."
(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.) Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it. (Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.) Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!
Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
