(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.) Mom: You still have to fill my holes. Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically* Brother: That sounded wrong. Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard. Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
Me: Hey dad, do you care that the only reason I was born was because your vasectomy didn't work? Dad: Mate, if I cared, you would have been named Houdini instead of Ryan.
(Hanging with the family while watching the movie "Quarantine" on Halloween.) Mom: This movie is lame, if we had a real zombie apocalypse we'd just go to Walmart. Me: What? Mom: Yeah there aren't any windows. You'd just bar the doors. And you have everything there! Me: Would you take the whole family? Mom: Nah, you kids would just slow me down.
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.) Mom: You know the difference between you and me? Me: What Mom: My daddy loved me. Me: T-T Mom: *laughing hysterically*
Dad: What have I always said about smoking? Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it? Dad: No, it keeps you thin.
Me: I gotta go, I'm late. Dad: Wait! Wait! Don't go yet! (holding a round plate with a sausage patty on top of a round waffle) MY BREAKFAST IS CONCENTRIC!
My Mum (after being told that her new Noah's ark ring was religious): When you think of Noah's ark, do you think of animals? Or do you think of Moses... Or whoever it was that built it?
(To my 3 year old niece who is pretending to be a baby doll's mother) Me: Josie, did that baby come from your belly? (Josie looks at me as if I were the dumbest girl on Earth.) Josie: No, it came from my uterus!
(After watching an ad against drunk driving) Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly! Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter. Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle. Me: You should try women. Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts. Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses.... Sister: Yeah, probably.
Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet. Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...
Mom: Hum the Star Spangled Banner Me: Why? Mom: Well is it patriotic? Me: Yeah (I hum it for her) Mom: Wait isn't that the national anthem? Is the Star Spangled Banner the national anthem? Me: Yes Mom: Oh, I didn't know that. That's exactly what I want!
Mom: Hey, aren't you going to play "Leon"? Me: you mean "Resident Evil 4"? Mom: Sure, yeah Me: Mom, I have homework. Mom: That's too bad! Here! (Hands me controller) I wanna see what happens Me: But mom I - Mom: NOW!
(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.) Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different. Everybody: GRANDDAD! Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
