crazy things parents say

Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.

(My dad's home is kinda little so him and my brother sleep in the same bed, one morning he told me this): Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother about masturbation? Me (laughing): No! Why? Dad: 'Cause last night he was fapping right next to me.

(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.) Family friend: I heard you buried your father. Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.

Mom: Hey, aren't you going to play "Leon"? Me: you mean "Resident Evil 4"? Mom: Sure, yeah Me: Mom, I have homework. Mom: That's too bad! Here! (Hands me controller) I wanna see what happens Me: But mom I - Mom: NOW!

(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine) Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack! Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!

(My grandma thought it was totally appropriate to tell me about her first time with my now deceased grandpa.) Grandma: I looked at that thing and I said "That'll NEVER fit!" Me: *Awkward laugh* Oh hehe, that's pretty crazy! Grandma: Say, why don't you ever bring your boyfriend over here to visit? (maybe it's cause you tell gross sex stories.)

(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet): Mom: Put him in the oven, will you... Me: OVEN? Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...

(This was a few years back while we were watching David Tennant on "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross") Dad: If he can speak English properly, why dosen't he always do it? Me: ... What? He is speaking proper English. Dad: No he's not, he's got an accent. You can't speak proper English with an accent.

Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.

Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom. Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex. Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex. Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!

(Dad got a deer this season and is processing it himself). Me: Ugh... There's body parts all inside the freezer. Mom: People are going to think we're John Wayne Gacy. Me: Didn't he have sex with the bodies first? Mom: You weren't there.

(My dad and I were having a post-Thanksgiving dinner farting contest. It was getting progressively worse and worse and thus funnier and funnier until he pauses and makes a weird face.) Me: What's wrong, Dad? Dad: ... I don't trust this one. Me: ... Trust what, the fart? Dad: Aye. I think it might be a shart in disguise.

(talking to my mom about a project for school.) Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use? Mom: Randall. Me: But that's my brother's name. Mom: Like I said...

Dad: You get to go to USC- University of String Cheese. Me: OK? Dad: Their mascot is the constipated warrior... Me: So what's the fight song? Dad: URG I cant GO GO GO!!!!!

(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)