My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
(Looking outside at lotus-type tree.) Me: Hey mom, what's the name of that tree in our front yard? Mom: I dunno, George? Me: No, no, I mean the name of the type of tree. Mom: You can name it whatever you want honey.
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
Mom: Where are you going? Me: Uh, ya know. just gonna knock over a 7-11, go to a strip club, beat up some hookers. Mom: Okay... If you get caught, you're staying the night in jail. it builds character.
(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
(Dad's in the bathroom) Dad: Come in here and look what I did in the toilet! Me: No, I think I'll pass. Dad: Come on, if I just tell you you'll never believe me. Me: NO! Dad: COME NOW OR YOU'RE GROUNDED! (I go to bathroom.) Me: What? Dad: I shot a fly into the toilet with my pee stream.
Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop. Me: Why? Dad: I lost a bet.
Dad: How did work go today? Me: (A daycare toddler teacher) The kids were rambunctious today. Dad: Kick the little @#$!ers in the head enough, they'll calm down.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle. Me: You should try women. Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts. Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses.... Sister: Yeah, probably.
Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet. Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.) Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party? Me: Wha...? Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
(Discussing Breaking Bad) Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass. Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.
