(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...
Me: Dad, your car is falling apart, you should really look at getting it fixed. Dad: It's not falling apart, it has CHARACTER. (*Dad goes to open car door, it falls off*) Dad: (*Guilty look over shoulder*) Character?
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost. Me: Why would we put you in the compost? Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me! Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway. Me: o.o
(Talking about Jessica Simpson with my mom) Mom: She's lucky that she has big boobs, because she can't sing at all.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.) Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese. Me: I don't really like blue cheese. Dad: No, no, just try it. Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it. Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
Dad: You get to go to USC- University of String Cheese. Me: OK? Dad: Their mascot is the constipated warrior... Me: So what's the fight song? Dad: URG I cant GO GO GO!!!!!
(In my Oma's kitchen talking about how much tile i put down while fixing the house. I'm female.) Me: You see these hands?! These are the hands of a working man! Oma: With a rack like that, I don't think you're much of a man. Me: You knew what I meant!
Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.
(*Me, texting my Dad*) Me: So can I keep the cat inside the house? Dad: I'll have to ask the Magic Conch.
Me: It'd be boring being a rich farmer (we're on a seriously long drive) Mum: I suppose. They go round everywhere shooting peasants. Me and 2 brothers: *pokerfaces* Me: Mum, you mean pheasants. Mom: Oh, yeah. Those too. Peasants are tastier, I think. whole family: O.o :L
Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much. Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?
(My mom's sex talk with my youngest brother): Listen here Peter Rabbit, you stay out of Mrs. McGreggor's garden!
