crazy things parents say

Mom: Where are you going? Me: Uh, ya know. just gonna knock over a 7-11, go to a strip club, beat up some hookers. Mom: Okay... If you get caught, you're staying the night in jail. it builds character.

(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.

(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.) Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it! Me: What? Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go? Me: Mum, that's just creepy. Mum: Spider Porn!

(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.

(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.) Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom? Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her. Me: Yeah? And where was it? Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes. Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school. Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.

(*Me, texting my Dad*) Me: So can I keep the cat inside the house? Dad: I'll have to ask the Magic Conch.

Dad: Why does everything come back as f**king zombies? Me: Well what else would they come back as? Dad: ... Sperm?

(After watching an ad against drunk driving) Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly! Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter. Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.

Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.

(My mom and I discussing school projects) Me: Essay projects are one of the few school projects that I don't mind doing, since they're not a right answer-wrong answer sort of thing. Mom: I actually like more solid foundations, like in math: 2 + 2 will always be 2... Wait a second...

(My dad, the night before I'm set to leave for a week-long field trip with my school): When you're gone, I'm going to dance with the cat. And we're going to dance to Lady Gaga, because I was born this way.

(My date and I about to leave.) Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass! Me: DAD!!! Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.

(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)

Me: Hey dad, do you care that the only reason I was born was because your vasectomy didn't work? Dad: Mate, if I cared, you would have been named Houdini instead of Ryan.