Dad: So hows your acting class? Me: Pretty good, there's a really cool freshman who sits next to me. Dad: Son, lower classmen are like boners, some are nice for a while but eventually it will just become awkward and annoying.
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.) Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car? Mama: Why do you need the lights? Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house) Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company? Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed? Me: Yeah. Duh. Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
(Dad's in the bathroom) Dad: Come in here and look what I did in the toilet! Me: No, I think I'll pass. Dad: Come on, if I just tell you you'll never believe me. Me: NO! Dad: COME NOW OR YOU'RE GROUNDED! (I go to bathroom.) Me: What? Dad: I shot a fly into the toilet with my pee stream.
Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down! Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics? Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet): Mom: Put him in the oven, will you... Me: OVEN? Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...
(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.) Mom: What were you doing. Me: Uh... Nothing Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.
Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet. Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...
(My grandma thought it was totally appropriate to tell me about her first time with my now deceased grandpa.) Grandma: I looked at that thing and I said "That'll NEVER fit!" Me: *Awkward laugh* Oh hehe, that's pretty crazy! Grandma: Say, why don't you ever bring your boyfriend over here to visit? (maybe it's cause you tell gross sex stories.)
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.) Dad: Okay, we're leaving now. Me: Alright, see you in a bit. Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other. Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
Me (talking to grandma): I cuss around women because I treat them as my equals, grandma. Grandma: I don't think men and women are equals, God made men better than women. Me: Oh, well... Go make me a sandwich. Grandma: Okay dear.
(Talking about my friend's dad being cooler) Dad: Well does he play video games with you? Me: Yes... Dad: Does he watch porn with you? Me: What? No why wo... Dad: Come on, we are going to the video store.
