Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure. Me: ... You want to be a prostitute? Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.) Dad: Okay, we're leaving now. Me: Alright, see you in a bit. Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other. Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.) Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it! Me: What? Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go? Me: Mum, that's just creepy. Mum: Spider Porn!
*At a gas station on a snowy pass* Dad: Hey look, traffic! Go play in it! Me: I don't feel like being killed. Dad: Don't worry, they'll steer off the road and kill themselves first!
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.) Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet? Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active. Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...
(Talking about my mum's partner.) Sister: But you do love each other, I know that. Mum: It's a fine line between love and hate and the cutlery drawer. Sister: You're never too old to- Mum: To stab someone? No.
Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.
(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.
(Driving by a local video store): Me: I find it ironic that the video store named "Family Video" is the only one left in town with a porn section. Mom: I know, and the selection sucks!
(My mom and I discussing school projects) Me: Essay projects are one of the few school projects that I don't mind doing, since they're not a right answer-wrong answer sort of thing. Mom: I actually like more solid foundations, like in math: 2 + 2 will always be 2... Wait a second...
(There was a priest who visited my great-grandfather after my great-uncle died. He was looking at my great-grandfather's garden.) Priest: Are those pansies out there? Great-Grandfather: Can I tell you a secret? Priest: Sure, that's what I'm here for. Great-Grandfather: It's Hungarian marijuana.
Me: Mom, I don't want to eat meat tonight. I just got done dissecting a pig. Mom: What? You won't eat meat because of that?! What's going to happen if you go to medical school and dissect humans? Will you stop eating humans too? Me: Um.....
(My nephew and father at dinner while coming home last night.) Nephew: I don't like this drink Dad: It's Orange Bang! I used to love that stuff as a kid. Nephew: But I don't like it. Dad: Look, it's a Mexican sweet drink, like Ray Mysterio!
Dad: On the whole, all protests are bad. Me: You can't just generalize like that. Dad: I'm not generalizing. I'm just saying that on the whole they're all bad. Me: And that's a generalization. Dad: No it's not. Me: How so? Dad: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
