crazy things parents say

Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much. Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?

(Dad's in the bathroom) Dad: Come in here and look what I did in the toilet! Me: No, I think I'll pass. Dad: Come on, if I just tell you you'll never believe me. Me: NO! Dad: COME NOW OR YOU'RE GROUNDED! (I go to bathroom.) Me: What? Dad: I shot a fly into the toilet with my pee stream.

Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire. Mom: WHAT? Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night! Mom: Did you start it?

*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet): Mom: Put him in the oven, will you... Me: OVEN? Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...

Me: I gotta go, I'm late. Dad: Wait! Wait! Don't go yet! (holding a round plate with a sausage patty on top of a round waffle) MY BREAKFAST IS CONCENTRIC!

(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.) Dad: Okay, we're leaving now. Me: Alright, see you in a bit. Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other. Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!

(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone) Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it! Dad: Just open it and see. (I proceed to ope iPhone box) Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone... Dad: Exactly! Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams? Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment

(This was a few years back while we were watching David Tennant on "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross") Dad: If he can speak English properly, why dosen't he always do it? Me: ... What? He is speaking proper English. Dad: No he's not, he's got an accent. You can't speak proper English with an accent.

(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...

Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help. Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!

(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine) Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack! Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!

(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing) Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen- Me: Mum! What the futz?! Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)

(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!

Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.