crazy things parents say

(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. Nurse: OK, is she having contractions? Me: Yes! Nurse: How bad are they? Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!! Me: That bad.

(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.) Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom? Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her. Me: Yeah? And where was it? Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes. Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school. Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.

(My date and I about to leave.) Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass! Me: DAD!!! Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.

Dad: What have I always said about smoking? Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it? Dad: No, it keeps you thin.

(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.) Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different. Everybody: GRANDDAD! Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!

Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire. Mom: WHAT? Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night! Mom: Did you start it?

(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine) Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack! Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!

Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much. Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?

(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.

(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.) Family friend: I heard you buried your father. Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?

Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost. Me: Why would we put you in the compost? Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me! Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway. Me: o.o

Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help. Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!

(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...

(Talking to my ten-year-old cousin about Pokemon while celebrating my uncle returning from Iraq.) Me: Bulbasaur was my favorite starter. Cousin: What's a bulbasaur? Uncle: Good work son, the only proper starter is a Charmander. Cousin: What's a charmander? Uncle: (Turns to my aunt) What in God's name have you done to my child?!

(Listening to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green on the radio) Mum: What the hell is up with this guy. He's like a tall midget. Seriously, if you're going to be a midget, at least fully commit to it.

(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...