Dad: So hows your acting class? Me: Pretty good, there's a really cool freshman who sits next to me. Dad: Son, lower classmen are like boners, some are nice for a while but eventually it will just become awkward and annoying.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle. Me: You should try women. Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts. Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses.... Sister: Yeah, probably.
(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
Mom: Can I have some ice cream? Dad: Erm... Mom: I'll give you sex.
(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter) Me: Jeez lady put some pants on. Grandpa: Why? I like it. Me: Grandpa! Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
Cousin: *pointing to large five foot tall package by the Christmas tree* Dad is gonna love what I got him, he's been needing it for a while. His older brother: You need to poke holes in the box so the stripper can breath.
(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.) Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.
(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)
Mom: Hum the Star Spangled Banner Me: Why? Mom: Well is it patriotic? Me: Yeah (I hum it for her) Mom: Wait isn't that the national anthem? Is the Star Spangled Banner the national anthem? Me: Yes Mom: Oh, I didn't know that. That's exactly what I want!
(Listening to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green on the radio) Mum: What the hell is up with this guy. He's like a tall midget. Seriously, if you're going to be a midget, at least fully commit to it.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(My dad, the night before I'm set to leave for a week-long field trip with my school): When you're gone, I'm going to dance with the cat. And we're going to dance to Lady Gaga, because I was born this way.
(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.) Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese. Me: I don't really like blue cheese. Dad: No, no, just try it. Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it. Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.
