crazy things parents say

(Watching show about El Chupacabra with my uncle.) Narrator: Last sightings were seen in Texas... Me: Texas, its always texas. Uncle: What? Me: Nasty creatures sucking the blood of farm animals. Uncle: Probably their governor.

(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle. Me: You should try women. Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts. Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses.... Sister: Yeah, probably.

Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.

(Discussing Breaking Bad) Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass. Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.

(Six year old sister runs up behind me, pours glitter on me, and pushes me out the door into the sunlight.) Me: What was that for!? Sister: Now you're Alice! Me: What? What the- Sister: She's a vampire. From Twilight. You wouldn't get it. Me: No, I wouldn't get it. Sister: Tell me what's gonna happen next!

(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)

(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.) Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car? Mama: Why do you need the lights? Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?

(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.) Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese. Me: I don't really like blue cheese. Dad: No, no, just try it. Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it. Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.

Dad: What have I always said about smoking? Me: I don't know, it's bad, don't do it? Dad: No, it keeps you thin.

Mom: .... OH MY GOD. Me: What? Mom: I DIDNT KNOW OWLS HAD WINGS. Me:.... W-what? Mom: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST CHUBBY LITTLE CREATURES.

(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.) Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

Cousin: *pointing to large five foot tall package by the Christmas tree* Dad is gonna love what I got him, he's been needing it for a while. His older brother: You need to poke holes in the box so the stripper can breath.

(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...