(On the phone.) Me: Could you post me one of my old school shirts? I'm putting together a Hogwarts costume. Mum: What for? Me: A Harry Potter night at the student union. Mum: You should go as a wand!
(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.) Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?
(After fetching Gramma's mail): Me: You got another funeral home ad. Gramma: Again? I got 3 yesterday! Soon they'll be sending a loaded rifle and asking me to f***ing shoot myself!
Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me? Me(a little worried): What? Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
(Me: *Skyping cute boy*) Mom: *Barges into room* Who are you talking to? Me: Travis, mum. Mom: You better not be showing him your privates!
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
(My little cousin wanted a dog, but we bought him a gerbil.) Store Worker: which one do you like? Cousin: The brown one with the big ears Store Worker: *Hands it to him* Me: What are you gonna name him? Cousin: BONER!
(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.) Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different. Everybody: GRANDDAD! Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
