(talking to my mom about a project for school.) Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use? Mom: Randall. Me: But that's my brother's name. Mom: Like I said...
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.) Mom: You know the difference between you and me? Me: What Mom: My daddy loved me. Me: T-T Mom: *laughing hysterically*
Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me? Me(a little worried): What? Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys. Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone. Me: I know, I know. Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
(My little cousin wanted a dog, but we bought him a gerbil.) Store Worker: which one do you like? Cousin: The brown one with the big ears Store Worker: *Hands it to him* Me: What are you gonna name him? Cousin: BONER!
(After watching an ad against drunk driving) Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly! Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter. Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.
(I had just received my acceptance letter to Duke.) Dad: To be honest, I didn't expect you to finish high school.
(Me playing Plants vs. Zombies) Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like your grandfather. He likes fighting with my plants too. But at least he doesn't eat them. Well, not always.
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance) Dad: You ever smoke pot? Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body. Dad: Drink alcohol? Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink. Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Date: 42. Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...? Date: Donkey Kong. Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone? Date: I cried like a bitch.
(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.
(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present) Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad! Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed! Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms... Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.
Me: Hey dad, do you care that the only reason I was born was because your vasectomy didn't work? Dad: Mate, if I cared, you would have been named Houdini instead of Ryan.
(My dad's home is kinda little so him and my brother sleep in the same bed, one morning he told me this): Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother about masturbation? Me (laughing): No! Why? Dad: 'Cause last night he was fapping right next to me.
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.) Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party? Me: Wha...? Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
