(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.) Family friend: I heard you buried your father. Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?
(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.) Mom: You still have to fill my holes. Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically* Brother: That sounded wrong. Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard. Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(My date and I about to leave.) Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass! Me: DAD!!! Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.
(talking to my mom about a project for school.) Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use? Mom: Randall. Me: But that's my brother's name. Mom: Like I said...
(Mum looks despairingly around our messy kitchen.) Mum: I think no matter how poor we are, we should pay someone to come in and set fire to the kitchen.
(We were listening to the radio on the way to school, and a report came on saying how some old people ate brownies with pot.) Me (referring to that 70's show): Haha magic brownies... Mom: We could use those to send grandma to the other side...
(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...
(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.
(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house) Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company? Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!
Dad: After dinner mint? Me: That's a Halls cough drop... Dad: So? After dinner mint.
Me (talking to grandma): I cuss around women because I treat them as my equals, grandma. Grandma: I don't think men and women are equals, God made men better than women. Me: Oh, well... Go make me a sandwich. Grandma: Okay dear.
(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.) 4yr old: Am I on the naughty list? Father: With the way you've been acting, you probably are. 4yr old: *Thinks for a moment* Not if I kill Santa.
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?
