Do not go out at 5:00 AM to turn on the sprinkler. Your housecoat will get caught on the railing and you will be naked on your front porch. #LFMF
If you are eating an energy bar as a mid-afternoon snack, and that energy bar has little chocolate chips on it, and you drop one of those chips, find it. It has fallen onto your seat. Your body heat will melt it onto your beige pants and it will smear as you move around in your seat. Given the color and location of the resulting stain, it will NOT look like chocolate. #LFMF
When you jokingly tell your older brother off for being 'childish' because he's playing with the 'try me' function on a Star Wars sound fx keychain don't do so if you happen to be holding a My Little Pony in your hands at the time. #LFMF
If you don't believe in Rule 34; don't google it to prove that it isn't real. There are just some things you can't unsee. #LFMF
That box that weighs 28 pounds your dad ordered? It's old lady diapers. Never open a box you don't know the contents of. #LFMF
Don't ever read a bunch of creepypasta if you're home alone at night. You will eventually become so paranoid that you will lock yourself up in a fort of pillows and blankets. Your boyfriend will come home, find the fort, and dive in, thinking you were just having fun. You will scream and punch him in the gut. #LFMF
While watching an excellent performance on the Olympics, correct response: What a beautiful performance. wrong response: Beautiful. Otherwise your overly jealous wife will explode at your face thinking that you are referring to something else. Especially if the event happens to be the women's gymnastics. #LFMF
No matter how many times you press the "J" key, you will get nowhere if you aren't on a Cheezburger page. #LFMF
Accept that your childhood is over. Don't try to climb your favorite tree after all these years. You might get stuck there for 30 minutes, and all your neighbors will see you. They'll laugh and you'll feel like a fool. #LFMF
If a cute girl says you'd look better without your sideburns, don't shave them. The tanlines look much worse. #LFMF
When talking about a head cold, say "nasal cavity," not "the hole in my head." Your mom will freak out and grab your head to look for said holes. #LFMF
Even though you are done taking a diuretic, it's not done with you. Bathroom first, THEN do your laundry! The fact that your sewer stack is blocked at the street level and the washing machine isn't draining right, and having to wring drippy wet clothes will not help matters at all once all that water finally has an effect on you. #LFMF
If you leave your car to warm up in the morning while you pack your lunch for work, remember to use your spare keyring to lock the car door like you usually do. The one time you forget, someone will drive off in your car, and they now have your registration with your address, as well as your apartment key, your mailbox key, and your work badge and key, both clearly labeled. Your boss will have to leave a funeral to drive 150 miles to open the store that morning, and you will have to pay out. #LF
If you have finally gotten over the trauma and are playing the original silent hill for the first time in years (with the lights off at two A.M.) Make sure and eject ALL animals from the room and close the door. #LFMF
If you work in a building with several offices and there is a foul smell of old milk coming from one of the locked and unattended offices upstairs, do yourself a favor and call the building manager before you get absorbed by your work. You may not notice the stench after a few minutes down stairs, but the customers who walk through the front door upstairs sure will. #LFMF
If you have an extremely strict,conservative father,just because you THINK he's in the shower doesn't mean he is.Check for sure before you start belting out Sweet Transvestite.You will have a LOT of explaining to do. #LFMAdolescentFail
