Never say a sentence to your siblings that begins with "It really annoys me when..." #LFMF

You're home alone for a week and you have a cat. You checked the cat litter and it is still unused and clean so you feel safe. But for God's sake if your cat really wants to go outside just let her out even if it is raining. You will wake up at 3 am to a horrible smell and you won't enjoy cleaning your cat's gigantic "present" from the bathtub. #LFMF

Don't zone out in church. You will forget where you are and freak out when you finally notice your surroundings, and the people behind you will think you have issues. #LFMF

Yes, eating two pieces of cake makes you feel fat and, yes, doing sit-ups will make you feel better about what you ate, but for the love of Buddha don't do 50 right away! #LFMF

While it's great to come up with non-vulgar subsitutes for the "f" word, make sure you think before blurting some of them out. Fracking is a controversial topic, so "Frack" is not an acceptable substitute to shout in public.

Sleep is great. Driving is fun. Sleeping while driving is NOT great fun. #LFMF

Good idea: helping a teacher carry some stuff to a lab. Not-so-good idea: helping a teacher carry heavy equipment to a lab. Very bad idea: dropping said heavy equipment on your foot. #LFMF

Whatever you do, DON'T jump off a high fence while wearing a long coat. The coat will get stuck on the fence, resulting in you dangling above the ground while being half-strangled. It will take 2 people to rescue you, and it will be embarrassing. #LFMF

When pumping breast milk at work, do remember to attach a bottle so the milk doesn't pump all over your clothes while you are not noticing because you are looking at failblog.org. #LFMF

When you decide to steal food from someone else's plate, make sure it isn't frozen and waiting to be microwaved. #LFM bro's F

Don't trust a fart. Ever. Pretty soon what you think might be a fart is actually a shart. And you will need new underwear. Your mom will not be pleased to see this greeting her in the hamper. #LFMF

When it's hot and you're a girl and using your laptop topless, be careful when closing the lid. I just gave myself an impromptu breast screening with a macbook. #LFMF

You think that you have a friend to whom you can tell anything? Don't say a thing, it's not true. #LFMF

If you are trying to warn those two cute French girls about the large mass of fire coral near them, make sure you haven't drifted out over that same fire coral and make doubly sure you don't step on it... with both feet. #LFMF

When holding your baby nephew, and he spits up all over you, correct: I now smell like Isaac's spit up. Incorrect: I smell of eau de Ike. Especially if you've recently come out of the closet as a lesbian. #LFMF

If your sense of smell is compromised & you are getting ready for the day but it's dark outside turn a light on. you will apply bug spray not deodorant & not understand why you are getting strange looks from everyone. #LFMWorkmatesF