Beware of food look-alikes. That innocent looking green pepper piece might be a piece of a really spicy pepper, and that foreign bean look-alike just might also be something really spicy. You will be fortunate if nobody notices your really red face. #LFMF
When using a sharp object (such as fingernail clippers) to remove an unwanted growth from your body before you crawl in bed, do so before removing your glasses, not after. #LFMF
Make sure that you have toilet paper BEFORE YOU CRAP!
Remember that your mother has an even dirtier mind than you before asking any questions. You will ask "What does 'shucking the corn' mean?" in a very awkward tone of voice, and she will burst into laughter. You will have no idea why this is funny. #LFMF
Just because the store brand anti-histamine is on sale for $10 off the original price doesn't mean it's a great buy. Not all medication is made alike, and sometimes the wrong amount of something will actually enhance your symptoms. #LFMF
When your cat starts "reminding" you of its feeding schedule you might think it's pretty smart. Actually, your cat is learning just how much it can annoy you before you get up to feed it, which makes you pretty dumb. #LFMF
You cannot blow out a candle while brushing your teeth. You can however spit out a candle. #LFMF
Good idea: Finally working up the courage to try a frontflip off the diving board. Bad idea: Hesitating on your final bounce before you go off. You will land flat on your back. It will hurt a lot, and your back and booty will be numb for several minutes. #LFMF