When you have bronchitis, never drink beer. You will vomit on yourself through your nose, and it will hurt for days. LFMF..
If you read LFMF you would know not to cut a jalapeño pepper with your hands and then use the bathroom. It would also not take burning your eye as well to put two and two together as to why your male anatamy burns. #LFMyCousinsF
Bubblegum and lip rings should never mix, especially that brand new $40 lip ring you just got #LFMF
When doing the dishes remember that the pure corkboard cutting board you put in the dishwasher isn't dishwasher safe. It will come apart when you try to take it out. #LFMF
Never assume that your boss knows the meaning of LOL. Months later when he mistakenly mentions it as meaning 'lots of love' and you correct him, it will leave an awkward silence in the room. #LFMF
You know you've had too much cafeine when you start to feel SLEEPY after a Coke. #LFMF
If you're playing Minecraft, and you're using the Transparent texture pack, and you're entertained by the zombie that's wandering aimlessly through your personal mine, you desperately need to get a life. #LFMF
Beware of food look-alikes. That innocent looking green pepper piece might be a piece of a really spicy pepper, and that foreign bean look-alike just might also be something really spicy. You will be fortunate if nobody notices your really red face. #LFMF
When using a sharp object (such as fingernail clippers) to remove an unwanted growth from your body before you crawl in bed, do so before removing your glasses, not after. #LFMF
Make sure that you have toilet paper BEFORE YOU CRAP!
Remember that your mother has an even dirtier mind than you before asking any questions. You will ask "What does 'shucking the corn' mean?" in a very awkward tone of voice, and she will burst into laughter. You will have no idea why this is funny. #LFMF
Just because the store brand anti-histamine is on sale for $10 off the original price doesn't mean it's a great buy. Not all medication is made alike, and sometimes the wrong amount of something will actually enhance your symptoms. #LFMF
When your cat starts "reminding" you of its feeding schedule you might think it's pretty smart. Actually, your cat is learning just how much it can annoy you before you get up to feed it, which makes you pretty dumb. #LFMF
You cannot blow out a candle while brushing your teeth. You can however spit out a candle. #LFMF
Good idea: Finally working up the courage to try a frontflip off the diving board. Bad idea: Hesitating on your final bounce before you go off. You will land flat on your back. It will hurt a lot, and your back and booty will be numb for several minutes. #LFMF