mom

Really? You pulled out the "you're beautiful" card just to get a slushee? "Beautiful" is what you say when you've dented the family car; when you want a slushee you say "those shoes are adorable, they look great on you!" Or something.

But really you'll just be alone with your "interests."

No, it's clearly a Hershey's Kiss that wants to kiss you back.

...and what shows up whenever my ex calls:

Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.

Just in case.